Back on August 27th 2016, I posted some rules of love that I believed were very important to address to you all. I am at a point in life where I believe we could all use a reminder of these guidelines to a happy and healthy relationship. I also made a few revisions to make them more relatable to you all. I hope this helps steer you in your journey in love.
************************* Don'ts
Do's
Love Always.
0 Comments
After almost a month of silence and 17 drafts later, I found some light in my chaotic life. I apologize for my absence, for I have not kept up my end of this relationship we are creating. I have been struggling with many relationships of my own in my personal life. Many in which have brought me to my lowest of lows to be honest. I have been searching for a sense of "belonging" and being "worth" someone's attention, which is actually quite embarrassing for me to admit honestly. For I have now come to terms with my anxiety of being wanted and having worth. I know I belong in this beautiful life and those who make me feel otherwise have no place in it. Those who fight for me and along side me may stay and reap the benefits of my company. All others, i have come to realize, are just wasting my precious time. No, I am not pointing out one specific handsome gentleman or beautiful woman. Unfortunately, there are many that fit in this category.
For those who feel like you may be who i am talking about, listen up. Life is oh so short. Why waste time with people you do not care about? Or love? Or see yourself being in contact with for the next 50 years? Life is beautiful and should be spent with those who matter to you. Leading individuals on, abandoning them, belittling them, and playing with their emotions and minds is just a waste of your very limited time on Earth. Be with those you love and who return the feeling. Don't be a toxic individual. We have enough of them on this Earth. Add to the love. Add to the joy. Add on to the positives. Because life is very lonely when you add to the negatives. And for those who feel how I was feeling, it is okay. It is okay to demand the attention you deserve. It is okay to speak up when you do not feel like you are getting the treatment and love that you deserve. Communication is the strongest tool you have in this world. You are worth attention. If someone believes that you are not worth talking to or just abandons you, let them stay away. You do not need those toxic people in your life. Relationships, whether romantic or just friendly, involve giving and taking. It is okay to give all you have, but only if they are giving all they can offer too. Fight for what you know you want and deserve, but also know when there is nothing left worth fighting for. It is very hard to know where to draw the line, but I believe in you. I solely believe that what ever is meant to happen will happen. And it always happens for a reason beyond our control or understanding, and again.... that is okay. Just know that I am always around if you need someone to talk to, if you feel like no one is giving you the love, time, or attention you deserve. I was in that boat, and still sail in it from time to time. But, it does get better. I promise. You just need to stand up for yourself every once in a while. Love Always. People today are quick to label others. "Needy". "Clingy". "Annoying." I had a conversation with one man during my lunch today. He confided in me about some struggles he is facing with his current girlfriend dealing with communication and his phobia of being alone. My heart broke as he spoke with tears in his eyes. This is what I got out of the conversation. (This is for you M.T., maybe this will help you)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Loneliness is frightening sensation. Hug me. Kiss me. Squeeze me. Talk to me. Never let go because once you release me from your grip, I am forever gone. I will be lost in chaos inside my mind. Might I add that is the scariest place I have ever been. Be present. Be here with me. Fight to be with me. Ask me how I am and I will do the same. Stay up with me distracting me from myself with corny jokes and never ending phone calls. Hold me when the world is crushing me into the dirt. Help me. Love me. That's all I ask. Because while you occupying yourself with who-knows-what and who-knows-who, I am laying alone scared of being "clingy" while I cry myself to sleep for the fourth night in a row. I am truly sorry if you see this as clingy or needy or annoying or obsessive or who gives a shit what else. I don't think you understand how much i truly need you to be present. I need you. I love you. I want to be needed. I want to be loved. I'm begging for your attention. Give me the attention i deserve and, quite frankly, I desperately need. Help me, because at this rate, I'm already half way gone. And if you want me to be a prisoner to my own demons, keep doing what you're doing. I will be dead to this world in no time. Love Always. It seems to be that I have not been quite honest with you. The individual that I "overheard" was just a figment of my imagination. A fictional character I wish was real in my life. I wished for this individual to be someone more than just a thought. I wished for her to be something other than a reflection of myself. Losing someone close to you is a battle that attacks you emotionally, mentally, and even physically. But, do not let pain blind you from reality of the situation. This entry and my previous entry tormented my heart many years ago. For some reason, they have been troubling my heart lately. Do not get me wrong. I have grown from it and rose from the pain that held me down. I have discovered love, and I have seen the beauty in discovering new passions and relationships. But, it is okay to reflect on the past every once and a while.
This is for those stuck where I was many years ago. Know that pain is only temporary. This life has so much in store for you to discover. Losing the ones we love is a part of life. Do not show anger or aggression towards those lost. There is no need. They made a few chapters of your life beautiful, but it is time to close them and start a new chapter. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* As the Other Man walked away from me in the distance, I looked down at the ashes he had left. I reveal my hands that are hidden behind my back and take a step back in awe and disbelief. I discover a destroyed lock in my right palm, and an old, demolished key in my left palm. The lock and key that stabilized the zipper holding together this love-struck boy. I close my eyes to replay what truly happened when this hopeless romantic boy turned into a changed man. He had the biggest brown eyes I have ever seen; they could catch your attention and keep them hostage until you realized you were under their spell. Those glossy brown eyes plead for comfort, rescue, and affection, which of course, this is true. But those needs he was searching for in me. Those needs, regrettably, I could not fulfill. But then again, those were things I could not give to him. He needed them because of me, not from me. I picture auburn tresses highlighted with sweltering red blazes escaping through the unzipped surface. For those were new uplifting sparks of ideas and plans for the upcoming future laid out for him. He is, undoubtedly, brilliant and open minded. He closed his eyes to shield himself from my plea, which indeed saved him. He knew it was the right thing to do, as I do now; I have misunderstood all along. Those lips I desired could not come up with the right poem or lyrics to strengthen our relationship, well at least not at that moment. In result, he zipped right through them to put them out of their misery. As I tried to help slow what seemed to be a rapid change, he only became angered because I merely made things worse, of course. But this rapid change was not rapid at all, however it took four years in the making. The last tear to escape the grip of his eyelids stood for the last chance of hope he had for ‘us’. He wiped that last bit of hope right off his neck. In late July, his heart was destroyed, and after this reincarnation process, he just kicked it aside. No love is ever like your first love, and there is no denying it. But he will nurture a new one, filling it with endless warmth and compassion. An amount so large, its overwhelming yet miraculous all at once. Whoever the lucky girl is that is bless with that resilient heart better hold on tight and remember how fortunate she is. More than half way done, all hope of turning back has been abandoned by now. No matter how desperately either one of us tried, the transformation was practically done. And right before my eyes, he stood there stripped of his old self which was only ashes seated next to him. With the anger and disappointment boiling up inside of him, all he could do was tense up his fists and stare at me at that chilly, beginning of winter, football game. His eyes stared into mine, surprisingly relaxed, waiting for a response. I knew nothing I would say would make things better, and my words were sucked right out of me. But as our life together ended there, I cannot help but think that malicious smile was not so malicious at all. But, it was a smile of relief and hope for a newer and better future lying ahead for him. All he had to do was walk away from me and the remaining ash from the old him he had destroyed. **Arthur's Note: I do not want you to think I am some villain, nor a psycho soul killer. I was just an individual in a fight against the world. I was in suffering and lost in the chaos around me. What I believed what was the right thing to do ended up being quite the opposite. One day the pain will fade, just like it did for "the other man", but until then, I will think about the ‘what if’s’ and ‘maybes’. Not the smartest or healthiest thing to do, but it puts me at ease with my mistakes. What if it all worked out? Or what if it ended up crumbling into pieces later on? Maybe it wouldn’t work out either way or maybe it would have made life so much more valuable. Maybe, I created high expectations of them as "my person", and they were struggling to claw through the barricade blocking my whole heart. And if that’s true, I am truly sorry. Of course I miss my best friend, no matter if this individual even considers me one anymore. They still know my deepest secrets and holds the key into my heart, no matter what. And I understand the love we shared was not worth the agony we had to endeavor. It was frail and shattered over the years. Like I said, no love is ever like your first love, and there is no denying it. A word with such great strength and an indestructible foundation cannot be abolished. And if the ride isn’t filled with a few collisions and countless curves, it wasn’t love at all. And one day I will find my person who will nurture my heart back to being resilient and passionate, completely winning it over, just like you have in the past. Love Always. I overheard a young woman talking about a man she used to love when she was in her late teenage years. Athlete. Scholar. A Gentleman who was compassionate and gentle, yet courageous and strong. Her eyes were filled with pain, I would imagine from years of hurtful as well as loving memories of the man. I can only imagine how her smile used to shine talking about this individual during the peak of their relationship. Here Is a piece i wrote expressing the emotion i witnessed.
******************************* The boy that stood in front of me with glossy dark brown eyes stared into my mine, allowing me to see his plea inside for comfort, rescue, and affection. I stood frozen with jumbled thoughts and limbs trembling in disbelief. He looked down at his feet, placed shoulder-width apart, on the ground which embraced the black shadows and darkness surrounding the two of us. He raised his right arm slowly; his palm met a cold, metal zipper at the base of his neck. He tugged it loose and began to pull it up the back of his skull, through his curly dark hair, to the tip of his forehead. Auburn tresses highlighted with sweltering red blazes began to escape through the unzipped surface. He paused to sneak a quick glimpse at me, reading my eyes like an open book. Stop. Please don’t. Please. He closed his eyes, using his eyelids as a shield, protecting himself from my plea. I closed mine as well, trying to guard my eyes from the destruction of the man I love. As he continued to zipper down his forehead, following the trail of his nose, and cutting through the lips I once desired, I could hear his breathing become heavier and filled with rage; but it was not louder than the piercing sound the zipper made as it continued down his chin. I looked at him as he struggled to lift his chin and dragged the zipper down his neckline to his collar bone. He paused as a tear escaped the grip of his eyelid. The teardrop ran down the side of his face and dripped off his chin onto his neck recently exposed from under the zipper. He screamed as it burned his new skin. His breathing became even heavier, fueled with more anger as he wiped it away. He continued to tug on the zipper down to his chest where it got caught on his massive, resilient heart. As he yanked on the zipper, eventually freeing it, he tore open his heart letting all his love and compassion spill out onto the floor. He grabbed onto his heart that was turning frigid and stiff, ripping it out from his rib cage. The deflated, demolished heart was thrown onto the floor in the puddle of his old emotions, all just waiting to rot in front of him while he transformed into an unfamiliar creature. He continued to zipper down his stomach, making his way to his left hip. He pulled the zipper down his left quad, over his knee, and behind his leg by his calf. When the zipper reached the end of its path, at the inner part of his ankle, he stood straight up with his eyes still shutting me out. Please, please stop. He began to tug at his fingers as if he was pulling off fleece winter gloves after playing outside in new snowfall. One after another, he pulled his arms out just as if he were taking off a leather jacket. He stripped down from his outer layer, pulling it down his spine and letting it fall to the floor. He stepped out, one foot after another, and kicked the coating away from him. It landed directly in front of me, and all I could do was stare at it. He opened his eyes and glanced at the pile on the floor, setting it ablaze. His hands transformed into fists and he lifted up his gaze into my auburn eyes. I couldn’t help but stare back into the fireballs that surround his pupils. My words were sucked into the current of the blaze, getting lost in the smoke surrounding his cornea. A malicious smirk appeared on his face before he walked away from me and the remaining ash from the old him he had destroyed. Love Always. "We don't have to say goodbye, but we can get lost in time." You are never alone. Open your heart and listen.
Love Always. "Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."10/9/2016 Does anyone happen to have a map I could borrow? I wouldn't say that I am lost.. just not found yet. That's all. I have misplaced myself and am desperately trying to find the path that I have strayed from. Could you help? Probably not. That would mean to allow someone in to help find the problem, and frankly, that scares the living daylights out of me. Why would I allow that to happen? Allow someone to see all the problems I have inside? I will not. The wall has been set for far too long to be torn down. So I will sit in the small enclosure my walls create. I shall sit and ponder how it must feel to be unlost.
Love Always. This is for the night owls. Those who ponder every scenario of the upcoming days. Those who think about their future and explore their past. Those who cry over mistakes and laugh over memories. Those who wonder who love them and who are pretending. Those who are stressing over obstacles they have to face. Those who think about their loved ones: past, present, and future. Those who cannot rid themselves of the 'what ifs'. Those who chug those overly priced energy drinks. Those who eat their roommates' cookie dough and complain how their life is turning out. Those who wish they didn't feel so lonely at 2 am... 3... 4. To those who are angry that sleep is not tonight's itinerary. For those whose minds never stop racing. For those who are writing a blog post at 5:17 am. For those like you, and for those like me. This is for you night owls. You are not alone, believe me. Love Always. 15 days. 16 days if you don't include the music video. It has been 16 days since I posted last on my blog, Life has a way of getting the best of us and can jam pack all our hours with stress and errands. But, sadly, I cannot use life as the excuse as to why I have disappeared. I have not fully disappeared either, more floated around like a ghost, silent but present. I have opened my blog every day for the past 16 days. I opened new drafts, and I have stared at the blank drafts for numerous hours. I have gotten upset and angry at myself each and every time I would close out my blank drafts, not because I could not think of anything to write about, but because I did not think my words had worth to other people.
I know. I sound childish for saying such a thing. Like I am looking for reassurance from you that my words do have worth. If you believe that is the case, read my pieces previous to this. You'll come to learn that I am not the type of person that seeks for reassurance from others and for "pity" comments. I write for the benefit of others, not for my own selfish reasons. However, I went through a phase where I did not believe my words had meaning. I believed that they were just a waste of breath and space on the internet. But I know I was wrong. So here is what I learned: our brain likes to tease us. We are our own biggest enemy. We constantly are trying to reach the bar of standards we set for ourselves. But, how are we supposed to reach that bar if we keep bumping it farther and farther out of our reach? I relate to this as well as many of you. It is a battle that we will never win unless we alter the situation. It is okay to have standards for yourself and have goals to reach. It is okay to strive to be a better version of yourself. It is not okay to put yourself down because of unrealistic expectations. You are not alone in thinking your voice is not worth being heard sometimes; I am guilty of this. It is okay. Do not let this lie consume you and withhold you from creating, chasing, and living. We have a voice for a reason. We deserve to be heard and to share our words passionately. Today, I will not get to day 17. Today, i shared what i needed to say. Thank you. I'll talk to you all again soon. Love Always. |
Always with Love ❤
|